Through All Times
by Dany
Summary: He hurts because he cannot forget - or maybe because he cannot change. SxS


****

Through All Times ****  
  
**Rating**: PG-13  
**Genre**: Angst  
**Spoilers**: None  
**Comments**: This turns out if you feel depressed and take it out on nice characters like Subaru xD I'm sorry, Su-chan 3 Thanks to Leonie for beta-reading and to Glory for giving me lots of luv =)  
**Summary**: He hurts because he cannot forget - or maybe because he cannot change. SxS  
**Feedback**: Would be much appreciated =)

Sometimes Subaru wonders.  
  
He wonders if the things he's been through have made him stronger or if he's still as weak as he had been at the beginning. He likes to think he isn't, he likes to think he will never get hurt again (and maybe he won't) but he has no way of knowning.

Hot lips seperate from his, leaving him lonely and cold. A breath makes him shiver as it ghosts over his skin. A hand lets him flinch as it grips his wrist a bit too tightly. A tongue makes him gasp as it traces the curves of his body.  
  
It vanishes. And he is left wanting more.  
  
But he knows there will be no release and so he waits. For what exactly he's waiting, he doesn't know. He only knows that he hurts.  
  
A voice as smooth and velvet as death itself whispers to him. It seduces.  
  
_Give in._  
  
But it also lies.  
  
_My Love.  
_  
He closes his eyes and finds release.  
  
Death smiles at him.  
  
  
  
He wonders, is the person he has become less naïve than the one he left behind - or has he not changed at all?  
  
Subaru thinks he knows the answer to that question. But does he really?

* * *

Sometimes Subaru smiles.  
  
He smiles when he thinks about his sister and how much he loves her. Those memories are often followed by tears, but Subaru will still be smiling then. Because Subaru doesn't wonder about such things. He knows.  
  
Subaru smiles in many different ways - most of them do no longer express happiness or joy, but he smiles anyway.  
  
  
  
A pair of mismatched eyes watches him as he moves around the room. He can feel his body tingle as the gaze of the other grazes over him. He knows it lingers on certain places of his body.   
  
The towel around his waist allows him only little modesty. He's starting to get cold and reaches for his clothes.  
  
_Subaru-kun._  
  
A voice teases lightly behind him, inviting him.  
  
And a spark of fire arouses.  
  
For a moment, he ignores it. He knows he won't be able to do so for long, but he tries anyway. The corners of his mouth quirk up slightly. The towel drops to the floor and he is completely bared to that hungry gaze.  
  
A pair of arms encircle him from behind and draw him into the lap of the other, against a fully clothed body.  
  
A breath caresses his neck, a tongue flicks out to lick his ear for a moment. A voice ensnares his senses as it whispers.  
  
_Please me._  
  
And Subaru smiles.

Subaru used to smile when thinking about those moments in his life. He's not smiling now.  
  
He doubts he'll ever be able to do so again.

* * *

Sometimes Subaru hurts.  
  
He hurts when he's thinking about the people who have deceived him - he hurts because he knows deep down inside he has forgiven what should have been avenged. He hurts because his sister died to grant a wish that could never - **should** never - be fulfilled.  
  
He hurts because he cannot forget - or maybe because he cannot change.  
  
  
  
It is raining heavily outside. Subaru listens to the muffled sounds as he presses his face into the soft fabric of the other one's shirt.   
  
He is drenched and shivering from the cold.   
  
The other gently rubs his back, pressing a soft kiss onto his forehead, while stroking his hair. Subaru says nothing but he feels safe all the same.   
  
He belongs.   
  
Warm lips kiss his mouth as the other finally seperates from him. He looks at the older man longingly and protests.  
  
A hand reaches out.   
  
_Hush_.  
  
It wipes the water off his cheeks and Subaru leans into its caress gratefully. The voice murmurs again and he is almost lulled into sleep.  
  
_Tea?_  
  
Closing his eyes, he nods. He lets the other man go.  
  
It will only be for a moment.  
  
He stands there, watching the rain through the open window. He wonders if the raindrops would taste salty if he drank them. He wonders if they are tears. He believes they are but he's afraid to ask - so he continues wondering.  
  
His hands are still shaking.  
  
The other looks at him concerned and holds a cup of tea towards him.  
  
Subaru looks at it and lets his fingers touch the saucer. As if in trance, he watches as the other man lets go of it. It falls.  
  
He watches as it hits the ground and breaks into thousand of pieces.  
  
He can feel tears welling up in his eyes as he looks at the shards and the spilled green liquid.  
  
_Gomen.. Gomen nasai.._  
  
He whispers the words over and over again but the other one just shakes his head amused. Subaru still stares at the green tea staining the floor. The other finally grasps his shoulders firmly and he looks up.  
  
_Subaru-kun,... It's only a cup._  
  
Subaru looks into the eyes of the older man but he fails to see.  
  
_But-_  
  
He starts to protest but the other interrupts firmly.

_Subaru_.  
  
_In time everything breaks._  
  
The young man looks up at his lover. He looks at him long and hard before his lips start to quiver. The older man's eyes widen and he reaches out but it is too late.  
  
Subaru cries.  
  
He feels cold.  
  
  
  
Subaru still hurts now but it is because of different reasons.  
  
Reasons he understands.

* * *

And often, Subaru dies.  
  
He dies when dreaming of his smiling sister - when chasing after her in his dreams. He wonders when it will be the last time he dies. He wonders if there'll ever be a last time.  
  
  
  
The liquid on his hand is becoming cold quickly.

Subaru stares at it in sick fascination. He stares at it in wonder and in shock. But most of all he stares at it in absolute horror and bitter knowledge.  
  
It is blood.  
  
He's crying silently without knowing, both his eyes wide open in panic. The body of the older man leans against him heavily and he can hear harsh breathing.  
  
The blood on his hands is not his own.  
  
Subaru doesn't understand why - he is too numb to even start wondering. All he knows is that his other half is lying in his arms like a broken doll. So pale. So wrong.  
  
And the dying man is smiling. The red liquid flows over them both.  
  
_Subaru-kun..._  
  
The velvet voice sounds harsh - and for the first time it holds something else inside. Subaru can taste his own salty tears as he holds his breath, afraid to move.  
  
He pulls the other one closer. But it is never close enough.  
  
_H-how?_

The older man moans in pain as he uses the last bit of his strength to look Subaru in the eye. He doesn't answer and their lips touch.  
  
Both taste of salt. Subaru feels like choking on his tears.  
  
_Subaru-kun, I..._  
  
The soft breath against his ear makes Subaru shiver and he can feel his heart beating loudly. He too, hurts.   
  
_I've felt...  
_  
Subaru's eyes widen at those words and he feels fear running through his veins. He is not sure if it is his own or his lover's.  
  
_... the need to claim you as mine ...  
  
... so often._  
  
Subaru can't help but choke on his tears. No. No. No, his mind whispers but he knows it is too late.   
  
_... When in reality ..._  
  
The breath of the other one gets weaker by the second but Subaru doesn't let go. He can't. Only now does he realize that he fears those words more than anything. But he needs to hear, needs to listen, because he knows that time is running out.  
  
His dying half takes one deep breath and a hand touches his cheek. It is as cold as ice but Subaru leans into it anyway.  
  
The next words are almost inaudible but yet both of them have heard nothing stronger than that.   
  
_... I was always yours in return._  
  
The breathing of the other slows and then stops altogether. The heart of the older man is no longer beating but Subaru is still grasping the body tightly.  
  
Deep down inside, Subaru is dying.  
  
Or maybe, he's already dead.  
  
  
  
The stars shine down upon him as he leans against the trunk of an old tree. Subaru wonders, smiles, hurts and dies at the same time.  
  
His gloved hand touches the trunk of the cherry tree gently and he inhales softly. The red liquid on his hand leaves a dark mark on the Sakura and pink petals fall to the ground. A ghost embraces him and whispers.  
  
And for a short moment, Subaru finds peace. 


End file.
